Imagine a situation where the soon-to-be ex-spouse has decided to make parenting decisions without the other parent. It’s a scenario that plays out far too often in divorcing families: instead of co-parenting, one parent unilaterally decides to change the children’s school, makes medical decisions alone, or creates arbitrary rules just to assert control or hurt the other parent.
The problem is clear—these petty decisions and power plays have a devastating effect on the children caught in the middle. What many parents fail to remember during the emotional turmoil of divorce is this fundamental truth: divorce separates the adults, but the children remain the children of the relationship. Both parents will need to make decisions together about their children for many years to come, and neither has rights greater than the other.
The Reality of High-Conflict Co-Parenting
When emotions run high during and after divorce, some parents lose sight of what truly matters. Instead of focusing on their children’s well-being, they get caught up in battles with their ex-spouse. This manifests in various harmful ways:
- Unilateral decision-making: One parent makes important decisions about education, healthcare, extracurricular activities, or religion without consulting the other parent, often in direct violation of custody agreements.
- Arbitrary rule changes: A parent suddenly implements new rules at their house that contradict what happens at the other parent’s home, creating confusion and instability for the children.
- Using children as messengers or spies: Parents pump children for information about the other parent’s life or use them to communicate messages instead of talking directly to each other.
- Undermining the other parent: One parent badmouths the other in front of the children or undermines their authority, damaging the child’s relationship with that parent.
- Withholding information: A parent “forgets” to share important information about school events, medical appointments, or the children’s activities.
These behaviors aren’t just petty—they’re harmful. The Official Journal of the World Psychiatric Association reports that children who are caught in the middle of parental conflict experience higher rates of anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and academic difficulties.
Understanding Your Equal Rights and Responsibilities
One of the most important concepts for divorcing parents to understand is that both parents have equal rights unless a court specifically orders otherwise. Joint legal custody—the most common arrangement in New Jersey—means both parents share decision-making authority for major decisions affecting their children’s welfare.
Neither parent has the right to make these decisions unilaterally simply because they’re angry, hurt, or want to exert control. When one parent acts as if they have superior rights, they’re not only violating the custody agreement—they’re damaging their children and making future co-parenting nearly impossible.
When Co-Parenting Breaks Down: The Need for Intervention
Parenting Coordination is a child-focused alternative dispute resolution process designed specifically for high-conflict divorced or separated parents. A trained Parenting Coordinator works with both parents to implement their parenting plan, resolve disputes, and reduce conflict—all with the primary goal of protecting children from the harmful effects of parental discord.
A Parenting Coordinator serves as a combination of mediator, educator, and recommendation-maker. The process typically works like this:
- Assessment and Education: The Parenting Coordinator meets with both parents to understand the family dynamics, identify sources of conflict, and educate parents about the impact of their behavior on their children.
- Facilitating Communication: The PC helps parents develop better communication skills and establishes protocols for sharing information and making decisions together.
- Resolving Disputes: When parents can’t agree on a parenting issue, the PC facilitates discussion and helps them reach a consensus. If consensus isn’t possible, the PC can make decisions within its scope of authority.
- Monitoring Compliance: The PC monitors whether parents are following the parenting plan and addresses violations or misunderstandings.
- Refocusing on Children: Perhaps most importantly, the PC consistently redirects parents’ attention away from their conflict with each other and back to what’s best for their children.
The South Jersey Divorce Solutions Advantage
Melissa Fecak, Esq., is a trained and certified New Jersey Parenting Coordinator serving families in Merchantville, Camden County, and throughout South Jersey. Her unique combination of legal experience and specialized training in parenting coordination makes her exceptionally qualified to help high-conflict families.
As an experienced family law attorney, Melissa understands the legal framework of custody and parenting time. She knows what courts expect and what agreements need to include. Working with Melissa through South Jersey Divorce Solutions means having a knowledgeable, compassionate professional who can:
- Help you understand your rights and responsibilities as a co-parent
- Establish clear communication protocols that reduce conflict
- Resolve specific disputes about parenting decisions
- Develop strategies for managing high-conflict interactions
- Keep the focus on your children’s wellbeing
- Provide continuity and support as your children grow and circumstances change
Parenting Coordination FAQs
1. How is Parenting Coordination different from mediation or therapy?
Parenting Coordination combines elements of mediation, education, and case management. Under the 2023 guidelines, parenting coordinators may not arbitrarily make temporary custody changes or issue binding orders, except in select court-approved cases. Recommendations by your parenting coordinator may become binding when approved by the court.
2. How long does Parenting Coordination last?
The duration varies based on family needs and court orders. Some families work with a PC for six months to a year, while high-conflict situations may benefit from longer-term involvement. The goal is always to help parents develop skills to eventually manage co-parenting independently.
3. What types of decisions can a Parenting Coordinator make?
PCs can typically make recommendations about day-to-day parenting issues, implementation of the parenting plan, and minor disputes. Major decisions, such as relocation or school changes, typically rest with parents or require court approval. The specific scope is defined in the court order or agreement appointing the PC.
4. Do both parents have to agree to use a Parenting Coordinator?
Parenting Coordination can be ordered by the court or agreed upon by both parents. In high-conflict cases, courts often order PC involvement even if one parent objects, recognizing that the children’s welfare requires intervention.
5. How much does Parenting Coordination cost?
Costs vary based on the complexity of the case and the frequency of the PC’s services. However, PC is almost always less expensive than repeatedly going to court, and many families find that the investment pays for itself by reducing conflict and preventing costly litigation.
Put Your Children First—Contact South Jersey Divorce Solutions Today
If your co-parenting relationship has broken down, if your ex is making unilateral decisions, or if constant conflict is harming your children, it’s time to get help. Parenting Coordination with Melissa Fecak, Esq. can provide the structure, support, and accountability you need to protect your children and exercise your parental rights.
Call now to schedule your consultation and take the first step toward breaking the cycle of conflict for your children’s sake.
